Princess Celestia

She's got a smile and she's got flair, she's the princess with flying hair.

Princess Celestia is the undisputed co-ruler of Equestria, along with her sister Princess Luna. She is an extremely matronly and cares for her subjects dearly, though in recent years her attentiveness to legal matters has been... less than stellar. Thus she brought Princess Applejack on board to straighten out problems both past and present, most often of her own creation.

It is always her fault.

Story

Thread 257

[1] Alterjack confronts her, asking why she hasn't done anything all week. When Celestia states she's been doing "self-care," AUJ rhetorically asks: "Isn’t that what stupid rich mares say to make themselves feel better after being complete wastes of time?" After a pause, Celestia points out that she is rich, but AUJ cuts her off and tells her to do something now or " Ah’ will shoot you with mah’ horn". So, Celestia starts pouring a glass of alcohol. When AUJ says she didn't mean "drink," Celestia states (not in so little words) that she shouldn't have left such a huge loop hole in her words, then. AUJ has no response and Celestia continues by saying she taught her a lesson, which is also doing something, so AUJ should thank her. But she still gets zapped, which prompts her to call AUJ out. Unfortunately, since she didn't get it in writing, AUJ doesn't feel the need to uphold her part and continues zapping Celestia into action.
[2][CD?] Celestia asks Rainbow Dash if having sex with someone under five hundred makes her a cradle robber. Dash says it's not illegal. Celestia says that's what she asked, but Dash just replies "...it's not illegal."
[3] Alterjack has a question for Celestia. Celestia gets upset at the mare for interrupting her "Celly bathtime" and threatens to shoot everyone in the castle if she doesn't leave. She also threatens her with a rubber ducky. Not even commenting on any of that, Alterjack asks how evil someone has to be to get thrown in to Tartarus. Celestia relents and tells her that the prisoner must be "suitably difficult to contain or dangerous to hold in a regular cell" and have caused " permanent bodily or magical harm to another". Until they prove themselves redeemed, they'll remain in Tartarus. Alterjack sees the logic in this and asks who's in there. "A great demon named Tirek, who must never be released!" Alterjack asks who else since one guy bing locked there seems a bit much. Celestia reveals that a Bugbear, Manticore, and other dangerous magical creatures are there as well. AUJ points out that they're just animals, but Celestia argues they're dangerous. "Ya’ll just needed a reason to justify havin’ that big area, don’t you?" Celestia reluctantly admits to that, saying the taxpayers would think it's silly if Tarturus only had one prisoner. AUJ fires back, calling her out on their deadliest prison being "a friggen zoo and IT’S ALL YER’ FAULT!" Celestia commands her rubber ducky to "BRING THE PAIN!" and explosions happen in the distant. She claims she herself didn't do that "but consider it a preface to the actual pain I will bring upon you!" AUJ asks if she's going to question the explosion, but gets cut off when Celestia calls on the ducky again, prompting closer explosions to be heard.
[4][OOCO] At Celestia's request, Spike holds a giant needle to her chest. He starts off saying he thinks Twilight should be doing this, what with her having magic, which is more precise than hands. Celestia insists's it's fine and tells him to hurry up and use it on her. He hesitates, questioning if she really wants to rush this considering the size of the needle: "I could stick a finger in here, that's how big it is." "Or your dick!" she fires back. Stunned for a moment, he continues past that remark (blaming it on the situation) and asks if she's sure he won't hit her heart. But she WANTS him to stab her heart and, after he states that pony bodies are weird, she pleads for him to use the adrenaline filled needle on her before suddenly collapsing. Throwing caution to the wind, he stabs her and she revives with a loud gasp, startlingly him. Despite the drug's success, Celestia curses her revival, but says Spike did a good job when he voices his immense confusion at that. Moving on, she tells Spike not to mention the fact that she ate some drugs she thought was sugar to Applejack. After calling him a good boy and giving him a cookie (that she assures him is (probably) not drugged), she threatens to kill everyone he loves if he tells ANYONE what happened and teleports away. "... but I love you." Spike says. Sensing this, Celestia realizes the paradox and a distant explosion is heard. Spike concludes that the cookies were drugged, too.

[Q] "...yep, still alive. Damn it."

[5][OOCO] Applejack gathers up Celestia, Spike, and Shining Armor who are horrified, neutral, and excited. It turns out that AJ gathered them all to address the obesity epidemic caused by all the sugar everyone is eating and to try out her new idea. Celestia is incredulous, asking "A good way to do it is an exercise video!?" Spike is still meh about it, but Shining starts doing exercise routines. Applejack notes his excitement and Celestia lets slip it's because she "bred them to be dedicated to wanting boosts of testosterone". AJ does a double-take on that, but Celestia covers her slip up and says that he's just a silly pony. AJ seems to fall for it. Spike asks for some guns and says his workouts won't necessarily work for ponies. That's why AJ brought them, so there's different representation for the video. "Let’s pump some iron and bump some booties!" Spike asks if there will be actual booty bumping, and AJ puts it as a "maybe". Shining calls dibs on Celestia, who's happy to be dibbed, and Spike expresses faux-regret over not choosing his mother figure first. He "laments" that he'll have to partner with Applejack ("the bountiful beauty" as he puts it), but she calls for everyone to get to their corners, "Out of touching range!" She declares that they're going to get the country back in shape, topping it off with a "Who's with me?". Bulk Biceps certainly is, as sown by his loud catchphrase.

[Q]"Because I bred them to be dedicated to wanting boosts of testosterone, some of us weren’t genetically engineered!"

[6][OOCO] Shining Armor and Celestia address the other as "Sunbutt" and "Shieldbutt," apparently as a 'rigorous' method to make sure no changeling is pretending to be them. Moving past that, Shining says he has concerns to voice. Celestia says she has big ears to listen, with Shining saying they are big and cute. His concern turns out to be about training the future defenders of Equestria since they have a lot of work to do. The problem is that Celestia is (over) a thousand years old. She says she hasn't had much luck training the new generation, but Twilight is doing well. Shining asks about the back up. There is none, but Celestia sees things working out anyways.
[7][OOCO] Talking with Celestia, Spike brings up the fact that he can withstand any sort of fire. Celestia takes it the wrong way and threatens to send him to the moon if he follows that thought process. However, he finishes his thought and says that he's considering becoming a blacksmith. Her threat dawns on him and he asks what she has against blacksmiths. She saves face by saying one ruined a cake of hers, which makes sense to Spike on why she's soured on them. He asks if he can become one if he's cake friendly, and she says "Yes, because that is my only issue with what you were saying. My. Only. Issue." Spike's happy. He likes their talks.
[8][OOCO] Spike walks in on Celestia and Shining Armor doing something and starts to say "What the fu-" before Shining cuts him off with "LANGUAGE!" Spike points out he and Celestia say "fuck" all the time in front of him, but Celestia insists she says "Fawks". Spike asks who "Fawks" is, and she tells him Fawks was some "Crazy asshole who tried to blow some shit up and messed up hard enough to accomplish nothing" and "lots of people love him for some reason." Shining says Fawks "speaks to a younger me, somehow". Moving on, Spike finally asks if they're "going to explain why you're both covered in wine". Shining says no.
[9][OOCO] Celestia takes Shining Armor to the Mareiana Trench: "the deepest, darkest area in all the world." She tries to pitch it as "the ultimate rush, the ultimate pressure, the ultimate low that brings the ultimate high!" But Shining deflates her mood by saying Applejack will find her anyways.
[10][OOCO] Spike wonders what he would be like if Celestia and/or Shining Armor raised him instead of Twilight. They think they'd be great parents. Spike isn't so sure.

Thread 262

Applejack has a question as Celestia fiercely mobilizes the army to (presumably) go after Foalington, prompting AJ to suggest they hire a General to do that for her. Celestia blows her suggestion off, stating that, this time, IT'S PERSONAL.
Applejack tries to talk Celestia out of her warpath, but she won’t listen.
Celestia goes around declaring several ponies at fault for one thing or another. Dash is at fault for not being a Wonderbolt Captain, Changeling 41 is at fault for not punching Chitania, Bronze Pommel is at fault for a guard being out of step, and Fluttershy is at fault for knocking over some milk. It’s just a teensy bit petty.
Following being told by Applejack that coffee is seriously illegal, Alterjack asks Celestia to use Starswirl’s “go back in time” spell to make coffee legal again and grow her more coffee before the “drug” wears off.
Celestia calls Bronze Pommel to report on any good news he has. When she gets irritated by his attempt at levity, he reports that they can’t find Foalington because he doesn’t actually communicate where he is to Magical Crafts. He just leaves short, incomprehensible notes that make gamers angry, but never seems to make them stop buying their stuff until Warplane V and the eventually death of Lunasarts. Celestia tells him to cut the history lesson out and continue the search, which he relents to, saying he’ll send agents to the Badlands borders.
On the fifth anniversary of /pa/, Celestia has a question for Applejack, a change of pace which AJ is a little weirded out about. She wants to know if AJ ever gets tired of all of this, which AJ responds to by calling her an idiot and saying that of course she gets tired of her work as a princess. But she wouldn’t trade it for anything,no matter all the problems and pestering that comes her way. To that, Celestia says that she knew AJ would be the only one who could understand and takes her leave.
[OOCO] Chrysalis asks Celestia if she knows the best thing about being tall. Celestia lists off some suggestions, such as realizing all ponies are little or being able to give headpats with reckless abandon, but Chrysalis says the best thing is having a long neck because getting a hug while tall is “all neck” and feels nice. Celestia approves of and shares the sentiment.
Celestia brags about being taller and getting neck-hugs to a jealous Applejack. Suddenly, she goes into a fit, surprising AJ and leading her to ask what’s wrong. To that Celestia vaguely answers that something has happened. AJ then asks if Celestia is ok and she starts ranting about how she was “there” first. Needless to say, AJ is left confused and afraid. Presumably, Celestia senses that Shining Armor is getting married again.

Thread 264

Applejack asks Celestia if the Crystal Ponies were banished to the frozen tundra they call home. Celestia is incredulous and confirms that they weren't. She just didn't bother stopping them because they didn't want to be ruled by her or Luna.
Eventually Applejack, Celestia, Alt-Twilight, Shining Altmor, Shining Armor and (presumably) some guards arrive at Canterlot Castle's study. Salt begins to wax nostalgic about how the place looks, but AJ tells him to cut to the chase like Alterjack would. She calls him and Alt-Twilight out on threatening the city and stands by Discord and AUJ striking first in defense of their home. In his defense he claims that they're trying to stop a world war, revealing that when AUJ disappeared that many of the species she stopped from attack Equestria banded together to exact vengeance. Since AUJ had consolidated their power and there was apparently no Discord to aide them, the battle was rough and almost lost.
At least it would have been, Alt-Twilight says, had Salt not coincidentally appeared to hold off the oncoming invasion in an event they label as "The Battle of the Badlands". He tries to brush her praises off with a smile, but Alt-Twilight gives all credit for their victory to Salt and it is revealed that she forfeited her temporary rule of Equestria to him (partly due to a lack of self-esteem on her part). Continuing, they note that they can soundly win another fight, but that they plan to bring AUJ to justice instead to remove the motivation from their aggressors, revealing that they were broadcasting their earlier appearance to their homeworld. Alt-Twilight then goes on a hateful rant directed at AJ, saying that they never intended to hurt anyone because this place is still their home and that the guns were for show.
Because they didn't give up AUJ and she has now escaped, she says, they now have to worry that about future attacks. AJ tries to point out that they went about this all wrong, but Alt-Twilight just grows angrier and eventually teleports away before either version of her brother can stop her. Having never seen Twilight's face so full of hate, AJ is a little shaken up. At this point, Celestia speaks up and takes the podium, telling Salt that they will not hand AUJ over to him because he needs to understand something: Whatever she's done in their world, she's done enough in hers to show that she is a hero and Celestia aims to tell him of that. Salt settles in for her story and listens intently.
Eventually, after having told him of every deed Alterjack did (good or bad), Celestia's story to Shining Altmor finishes. Though he never seemed to let his guard down during her story, he smiles softly and admits that AUJ has done some good in this world. Applejack agrees, saying that while she didn't always do things the right or nice way, AUJ doesn't deserve to get strung up to appease some invaders. But Salt says it's not that simple since AUJ placed heavy restrictions on the invaders after their attack, which fostered animosity in the ones that didn't do anything. He's glad that someone could see the goodness that he knew AUJ had deep down, but he has obligations he must uphold.
Still, he backs off knowing that they won't let her go without a fight and offers his help to keep her safe. AJ questions his sincerity, mentioning AUJ's history with the Crystal Empire. Salt is surprised AUJ liked them enough to open up about that, but gives a speech about how he has grown past that to become the hero that Equestria needs and . Everyone including AJ believes he's sincere (a fact that bothers her) and she sends word to the Guard to start a search, but not before making it clear that she won't let the fact that they threatened Canterlot and attacked AUJ and Discord go. With that settled, Salt turns to Shining Armor and asks for a tour of the castle.
Left to themselves, Applejack and Celestia discuss how suspicious the situation with Shining Altmor and Alt-Twilight is. AJ suggests burning them if they're evil, and burning them with words if their not. Then AJ'll plant a seed and name the tree after them. Celestia wonders if she'll find a tree named after her, but AJ says she won't. It got too repetitive, so she just named an orchard after her.
Once the tour ends and Shining Altmor flies to his ship, Applejack and Celestia show up to ask if Shining Armor figured out whether Salt can be trusted. He says he hasn’t, adding that Salt was surprisingly bad at hiding things and that worried him.

Princess Celestia

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Story

Thread 257

Thread 262

Thread 264

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